DEAR WRITER: Here's a story about writerly jealousy

There is a part of me that is jealous of Jia Tolentino.

She's a very good writer who currently has a staff position with The New Yorker, got blurbed by Zadie Smith, and attended a top tier MFA program. Her first published short story won like a Raymond Carver contest. 

She's also pretty, small-boned, and ethnically ambiguous, which means that receipt of her feminist views, even the more radical ones, are heavily buffered by the fact that American men think she's cute. This matters. Sometimes I am jealous of women who I think are receiving more/better quality d*ck than me even if it’s not true and/or I have zero proof. I am a feminist but not always an angel.

Jia Tolentino has been called the Joan Didion of her generation, which also, lucky me, happens to be my generation. I am not Joan Didion, obvs. I've read some Didion essays but not enough to give a critical opinion. I do know that Joan Didion had a frenemy type of relationship with Eve Babitz. The latter is one of my favorite writers, styliistically anyways. Though as per usual, racism ruins everything and sometimes it’s hard to read her ignorance. Both of Didion and Babitz are white women of a certain generation who I am sure did not imagine women like me (black with sizeable brains and opinions about things other than the race war) truly existed.

Anyways, jealousy. 

It's not my favorite emotion. Makes me feel like a teenage girl. And no knocks to teenage girls, but lord, were those some heavy emotional times where envy often played a starring role—either being jealous or having someone act very jealously towards you. Jealously makes me feel like I am standing on the edge of the Sadie Hawkins dance with warm fruit punch in my hand, watching the couples freak dance to "Hot in Herre". Jealousy makes me acutely aware of what I don’t have (or don’t think I have). Jealousy reminds me of my humanity.

These days, I have enough therapy and self-humor to know that my jealously is nothing to be scared of or reasoned away. It just is. 

And usually, when I have a minute to really sit with my emotions, jealousy is one of my best friends when it comes to my inner state.

Jealousy is honest, almost to a fault.

Our jealousy does not care about our scruples, how many minutes we spend in meditation, or the fact that we have our own gifts. Most of us are jealous of something. 

(Well, except maybe Black Aquarian women. Honestly, they are the only human beings who I truly don't think understand the concept of jealousy. This is just one of their super powers. Be careful with them--they like themselves way, way more than what it costs to keep you if you're getting on their last nerve.)

In the past, when I was jealous of someone, I'd always try to find their supposed weak spot (a mean streak, a bad weave) so I could be like well, at least they don't have it ALL the way good! but wow, that sounds so pathetic and these days I'd rather just face myself and my desire.

My jealousy always reveals what I want and what I do not think I have. 

I too want critical acclaim, intellectual visibility, and a healthy quantity of dick in my life that isn't scared of my feminist ideals. It took my twelve years to publish my first short story. And when it was published, it won Honorable Mention from an indie press. And I am very proud of this. I will not allow my perfectionism to fuck up feeling good about the success I have found and do have.

Jealousy often reveals where I feel left behind, not enough.

I love asking my book coaching clients who they’re jealous of.

I wanna know! Because jealousy is so tender, so layered, so real.

I want to know why you’re jealous and of what.

When we circle deep into the why and what of your jealousy, you’ll see what's really going on.

Jealousy is literally the tip of the iceberg. 

All the good stuff is covered up by beautiful waves of black ocean and repressed childhood trauma :) 

When I really asked myself more about my Jia Tolentino jealousy, I saw that one clear thing I was jealous of was her prose. I really like the specificity of her retellings, the flow of her sentences. I loved her commitment to her craft. I loved her honesty and her pop culture know-how.

Jealousy provides such awesome information, so much of it can actually empower us to get better instead of languish away in envy.

Now, I know how to edit my own work, not so I sound like some wannabe clone. Yuck and no. 

Because I know that my jealousy is also admiration, I can now key into my own work about where to sharpen a sentence, where to replace a vague noun with a more detailed name. I recommit to my own distinct writing path. I honor my pop culture hate-love.

So, today, I invite you to be honest with who you're jealous of. 

What does this jealousy reveal about what you (really) want and need right now?

I hope you’re able to use jealousy to your creative life’s advantage and truly step into what makes you you.

Love,

Hannah

P.S. am an award-winning writer, storyteller, and a book coach. I will be offering 1:1 book coaching in the Fall and Spring. 4 months. Deep work. Femme and witchy and peaceful. Perfect for all of you who desire accountability, support, and a space that really gets you. This offering is strictly for the writers who are serious about writing a book in the next year. Keep your eye on this space and on my IG (@hannah.eko) for announcements and waitlists and dates.

In the meantime, I’m hosting The Lit Club (think book club + writing circle + weed) every month and Flower Hour (cannabis-friendly coworking, co-creative lab, and writers’ café every Wednesday at The Artist Tree in WeHo, and writing a newsletter every week. Hope to see you there.